Understanding Perfectionism

My name is Dr. Roshan Hegde. I have been working as a psychiatrist for nine years now, and have been doing therapy for eight years, including EMDR, CBT, and other modalities. One of the things I’ve encountered in both my work and my personal life is that perfectionism keeps coming up. I want to share my understanding of what that means, because people seem to define it differently.

A perfectionist can hold themselves to high and unreasonable standards. They are often high achievers, but not always. Perfectionism can also lead to procrastination. When attempting to achieve some goal, be it earning a degree or cleaning one’s apartment, the internal pressure to get things just right can be so overwhelming that it becomes paralyzing. The overwhelming self-criticism that can result from attempting to achieve anything can lead to avoidance. It’s like a college student given two months to complete a paper. The pressure to write it perfectly can be so overwhelming that it’s only the night before they can be forgiving enough of themselves to be less than perfect, because at that point it’s about getting it done. A highly self-critical mind is one of the main features of perfectionism, and it can take a toll.

The core belief I most often see resulting in perfectionism is the feeling of being “not good enough”. There may have been an experience in childhood (or multiple) which left the person believing this about themselves. The perfectionist tends to seek external validation in the hope that the achievement of some difficult or unattainable goal will lead to a mental switch where the individual finally feels good enough. Six-pack abs, a promotion, an ideal partner, a family, a perfect golf score, making no mistakes in the workplace, earning some recognition in the form of an award or flattering attention, or consistent praise from a boss or coworkers. It’s the dysfunctional belief that one of these things is going to change everything so they can finally feel content.

These goals can enhance someone’s life, but the problem arises when they are seen as a means to an end, and one is kept in the prison of their own unhappiness, assuming they will gain freedom once they achieve that one goal, or all the goals.

Facing the negative inner dialogue is the first step to changing it. Perfectionists can struggle to get therapy or any type of help, because that would mean admitting that something is wrong. Spending time or money on themselves can also cause guilt, and so the core belief of feeling “not good enough” can keep them stuck, where they feel they are not even good enough to deserve to heal and feel better about themselves.

Perfectionists can also be very critical of others, in addition to themselves. That belief that nothing is good enough is sometimes directed outward. So even when they go on vacation, that overly critical mind may continue where they find they are thinking negatively about the service, the locals, the food, and most everything. This can be very valuable insight into oneself in terms of how their mind works, and why they may avoid vacation. It becomes impossible to escape the self-criticism and negative thoughts.

Wherever you go, there you are.

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So how do you change this?

Changing the core belief of feeling not good enough is done by going inward, often with the help of a therapist. It can be really hard to gain perspective on the dysfunctional beliefs one has held for most of their life. A guide to help you walk through it can save a lot of time and work, and can keep you moving forward when it becomes challenging. My understanding of perfectionism is a passion, and has become an important part of my clinical work for the last 8 years, particularly with trauma, anxiety, and depression.

Dr. Hegde